(No) Satisfaction.

Wow, I haven’t been on my WordPress for quite some time.. I’m going to try and give you/myself an update on what life is like as Lucy Jane, almost exactly 2 years since my last post. And may I just say it’s been a crazy walkabout dreamtime 2 year space expedition to Mars and back with some bloody gruesome alien battles and some Romeo & Juliet scenes of love and death.. right.

So I’m lying in bed with stomach cramps, I had gastro yesterday, ugh I can’t even explain, it’s much better today, but my stomach feels like it is slowly eating itself. Eww tmi. On a (positive?) note, I’m lying in Sams bed.. Let me explain:

Since my last post I got another job in admin/reception, discovered by a mate I worked with at the cafe who knew a guy who’s company was looking. It’s always about connections. The jobs ok, mostly boring, the majority of the people are nice (not everyone, like I thought when I first started) and I’ve been there just over a year, so far so good.

Sam.. I want to say soo much to Sam.. I still struggle with expressing feelings and emotions. That’s why I’ve decided to write another post, maybe my last one, maybe not, we’ll never know, seriously.. never. Because I can’t ever make up my mind! Fuck you Lucy, you’re soo annoying, just like Sam always says. Annoying or grumpy (I’m rolling my eyes) Fuck you Sam. Let’s get to it, the nitty gritty insight into my relationship in my head, scary I know.

I love Sam. I am completely in love with him. Even when he annoys the crap out of me. I love him. Problem is, I haven’t and can’t bring myself to say it to him. I say it in my head, never out loud. I said it in my head last night while he was watching a science/universe doco and I was watching him while running my fingers through his hair with his head on my lap. I love you.


I can’t just randomly blurt it out. I want to. But there’s more I want to say. My rent is ending in a month for one, all of my friends keep pushing me to talk to Sam about living together but they don’t understand why I haven’t because I don’t say the stuff that’s in my head that I want to say to Sam. Make sense? Of course it does. Of course I want to live with him. Stop pushing. There’s just too much in my head to choose one thing, albeit a big thing, to say to Sam. I can’t tell him that I love him without saying the rest.. so in the end.. I say nothing. Smart girl. You can all clap me on the back for that thanks.

We’re not having nearly as much sex as we used to. I think about sex daily, constantly daydreaming about it, whether rough or romantic depends on my mood. But it’s daily, and I’m frustrated! And helping myself just isn’t the same! Give. Me. The. D! Now I wish I was that straight forward that I could blurt it out like that but I’m shy and extremely self conscious and was rejected by the ex a big number of times while we were together that I’m permanently damaged from the constant rejection and now when I haven’t had sex in so long I just can’t bring myself to initiate. Not to mention our “talk” last October (I think) where we were going to break up but decided to give it a proper shot, Sam said that we just feel like mates and he feels weird sleeping with me. That fucked me up. And honestly he treats me like a mate soo much that I end up wondering if he even likes me. Here I am in love with someone who maybe likes me as a mate.

I’m staying at his house every night. Nothing was ever said, I’ve stayed since the Christmas holidays. Been home a couple times. Met a lot of his family, started making an effort and feeling like we were in a proper relationship. Had plenty of sex in January, I’m still thinking about it now it was that good. Now I don’t know what’s going on. When my ex stopped fucking me he was addicted to porn, it’s easier, and they liked being hog tied with ball gags and anal plugs. Maybe Sam doesn’t find me attractive. Maybe I feel more like a mate to him. Maybe he’s too nice to say it’s not working. Maybe Sam doesn’t love me. I don’t know because he doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t know how I’m supposed to open up to someone just as closed. I keep coming to his house and staying because I’m convinced I’ll speak my mind one of these days, that I need to man up so we can both open up more or neither of us ever will and then it definitely won’t work.. That or he’ll kick me out and end my suffering.

I want to say point blank;

Look, I love you, I’m awkward and have a hard time opening up, it’s even harder to open up to someone who is just as closed off as me. Like the blind leading the blind. I want to kiss you all the time, why don’t we kiss more, I love kissing you, you are the best kisser. And hugs! All I want to do is hug you all the time, if I do it a little you say I’m being annoying, as soon as I’m close to you to try and kiss or hug you I’m annoying. Fuck me. Literally fuck me. I want to have sex soo bad but I’ve tried a couple times and it’s still not as much as before. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I can’t now, I’m actually too embarrassed to try. I love you, I am extremely attracted to you! Even though you complain that you’ve put on weight I am still very much sexually attracted to you! To me you are the sexiest man I know, just not the smartest. Just grab me, kiss me for a long time, grab my ass, my boobs, run your fingers all over my body, touch me everwhere, let me feel you, I want you to have your way with me because I love you, I want you and I want to be with you. For as long as I can.


Drunk call fail

Last night was a blast! Minus one small detail.. I drunk called Sam. I find it really funny that when you’re drunk, you can convince yourself of almost anything that your sober self will hate you for. Sober me is not happy with drunk me. Sober me made me sit in the corner and write page after page of “I’m an idiot” as punishment for being an absolute idiot.

The night started out great, we had burgers and cocktails at this funky diner/ restaurant. Caught up on what’s been happening in our lives, talked shit, took some pictures and funny videos because I’m pretty sure I was already pissed after a couple of wines and jugs of cocktails. I did text Sam at that point asking if he was busy later, he said he was going out to a certain suburb and I replied with “Ah too bad” because I really wasn’t going to chase after him when I was somewhere else already. 

Bring on bar number one! It was busy with people eating dinner still so we headed upstairs to a swankier spot where we drank wine on a balcony, enjoying the view and talking about our hopes and dreams. Then we went to a hidden gin bar, which I had been told was hard to find but it really wasn’t. Walking down into the dark, opium den, 007 style bar, we were escorted to a table where it was difficult to even read the menu, but the place was pretty damn cool and the drinks were absolutely mouth watering so I’ll forgive them for the blindness. I had a Vesper because of the 007 vibe I was getting how could I not! I started talking about Sam and how I should just be taking whatever we’re doing as what it really is, just sex. Sure I enjoy his company, maybe too much, but in the gin bar talking about the situation I came to the realisation that it most likely wasn’t going to turn into anything more than what it is because I’m too chicken to being it up for one thing, and because he’s never said anything even hinting at wanting a relationship. So drunk me thought fuck it, I’ll text him again! At least I can get a booty call out of this and maybe one day the man that I will end up in a relationship with will come along and I will just know when it happens, I won’t be wondering what we’re doing because it will already be obvious. So I texted “Hey where u at!?” Obviously no reply, that’s a pretty standard booty call text, I guess he didn’t want to be a booty call.

We went back to the first bar that was originally busy, got a shot and a couple (more than a couple) drinks as well as some finger food. Had a man help me choose a lovely whisky which I probably didn’t appreciate enough since I was drunk. A waiter tried hitting on us but I’m pretty oblivious to men flirting with me unless they outright say I’m sexy or something along those lines, plus; drunk. We all know I’m not smart when I’m drunk!

My friend said she was getting tired so it’s time for her to leave. And because it was only midnight and I really wanted this booty call to happen since I’ve never booty called anyone and I was trying to treat my Sam situation as what it is, I called him. Yes I’m cringing too. I can’t remember the exact conversation (funny that) but it went along the lines of me saying I’m drunk and letting him know I was willing to go to him, him saying he’s fucked and staying at a mates and I could crash there, me saying I’m up for whatever I just don’t want my night to end yet, him saying it might be weird if I crashed at his mates maybe we could catch up tomorrow, I’m busy tomorrow whatever maybe another day have a good night.

Drunk me is not allowed to have a phone anymore. Drunk me is in serious trouble with my morals, character and cerebral cortex (which is where thought and reasoning happen!). I would not be surprised if Sam never texted me again. I’m basically bummed out about the whole situation. I was originally going to just have a girls night and not contact Sam at all. What an idiot huh!?!

Booty call

10670242_10153662049108218_9002232869927595967_nI’ve unfortunately, unintentionally and regrettably crossed into the wretched booty call zone. Damn. I’m royally fucking up any chances of being more than just an amazing (yes amazing!) lay. Fuck.

Sure when I started this fling with Sam I was doing it with the sole intention of FWB. Then the bastard had to get personal, telling me about his life and interests, asking me about mine, holding my hand, putting his arms around my waist, introducing me to his friends, staying the night and cuddling to sleep without having sex, being funny, cute, actually giving a shit about my opinions, cooking breakfasts and dinners for me, plus more. And he’s just sucked me right in! I know it, I’m a sucker! Fuck you Sam! I’m saying fuck you because I actually like it. Yes I like you. No I’m not saying I love you, or even that I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I’m saying that there is potential and that’s the problem. I know you guys told me that I need to have “the talk” with him, to discuss if we’re going to casually date with the intention of not sleeping with other people and see how things progress. But I am absolutely scared shitless to even bring it up. In a perfect world (my perfect world in my head), he would bring it up, he would be the one to start that particular conversation so I don’t have to freak out about what to say or what he’s going to say back to me. But, like I said earlier, I’m a booty call now. And it’s completely my fault!

I know men aren’t really simple creatures but if you offer them food and sex easily and readily they’ll take it and be happy with that. That’s what I did Wednesday and Thursday night. Wednesday afternoon I was sitting having a lovely conversation with my mum over a couple wines when Sam texted me inviting me over for dinner. I replied saying “Aren’t you really busy with work this week?” and he said yes, it doesn’t have to be tonight we can catch up another night. I said I could come tonight if he wants, tomorrow night wouldn’t be good because I had work early Friday. I was thinking at the time that I haven’t gone to see him with such little notice so no harm done. Plus I wanted to “get me some” so why not.

Thursday afternoon I texted him to tell him that sleeping in until 9am was great (yeah I wanted to rub it in because I’m an asshole) and I hope he had a great day. He texted back about an hour later telling me it was long, lots of driving, how was my day? Good, I went shopping and was on my way to check out a share house. His reply; “are you visiting?”. I recieved that text while I was at the share house, I replied “am I visiting you!?”, “Yeah, you’re in my hood”. And even though I had just met this share house chick, she was interested in my business and told me to go for it after I gave a quick recap of my semi-dating situation, so when I left I called him and said if he can feed me and I can shower I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Done. I ended up buying dinner because I like keeping it fairly even in paying and we watched tv, I gave him a massage, we talked shit, teased eachother a bit, he did get my top and bra off which had to be put back on quick because his roomate came in, then we realised how late it was so we went to bed and slept. He woke up late for work, again, I had to leave (early start remember you idiot Lucy!) we fooled around a little but had to stop because he was already late and I needed to get home to change for work so unfortunately neither one of us got any “release” I got dressed, kissed him goodbye and off I went.

I’m kicking myself for going over on such short notice twice in a row even though I originally said I couldn’t Thursday night. Also because I was considering inviting him out for drinks tonight (Saturday night) because I’m going out for dinner and drinks with friends and I would’ve liked him to meet a couple of my friends since I’ve met some of his but now I’m definitely not going to. I’m also worried that I’ll drunk text/call him later for a booty call, tonight is going to be a big test for me that’s for sure!

I feel like after going to his house so easily and readily without any effort, whatever this is won’t progress into anything more whether I want it to or not. Maybe I should back off and see if he’s still interested in going on dates with me since we’ve just been “chilling” at his house lately instead of going out for dinner and drinks, or whether I’ll start getting late night “wanna come over” texts. I guess we’ll see. But in the meantime I’m really going to have to try my hardest to not text or call him tonight, I have to get it out of my head that if I did call him and tell him to meet me at a bar that him actually getting ready and driving out to see me is him making an effort. No Lucy, that’s him knowing he can get some action easily. Be smart you stupid idiot.

Saturday night fever

SATURDAY_NIGHT_FEVERI’m going out tomorrow night! With my sister Kate and/or my friend Ellie, depending on whether either of them bail on me, they’re big flight risks. And even though I’m trying really hard not to get my hopes up, I’m excited! I’m excited to go out, drink, dance, have fun with the girls and NOT see Sam!

Yes I ended up at his house last night. Sure when I called him after seeing the first share house of the night (which I liked a lot) because I was extremely lost and my Sat Nav had died, I convinced myself that I was calling because he knows the area (which he does for the record) and he could help navigate me to the next place. But I know that a sneaky, girly part of me was hoping he’d invite me over. Which he did when I told him that the next house I was looking at wasn’t for another 2 hours because the first house asked me to come earlier than originally planned. No I didn’t immediately jump at the chance and scream yes, I was mostly kicking myself for calling him in the first place and weirdly giddy that I would get to see him again. So we chatted for a bit while he directed me through the streets, then when I was about a minute from his house I told him I’d go there and we could hang out until the next house.

He answered the door in only shorts with his hair all messed up, looking absolutely adorable. He got me a drink of water (see I don’t always drink alcohol) and we settled on the couch, which is L-shaped so I purposely sat sort of facing him but not next to him. We talked about what we’ve been up to while he checked his emails and I showed him the houses I was looking at. Then after a while he scooted over next to me and put his arm around me, so obviously I snuggled in because it felt really nice and cosy and I like how touchy he is. I could be standing at the kitchen bench and he’ll come up and wrap his arms around my waist, doesn’t matter where I’m standing or even if I’m drinking or eating he’ll do it. Although he could just be thinking that I might choke on something so he’s getting ready to perform the heimlich maneuver. But even that’s chivalrous!

Anyway, while we were snuggling on the couch I mentioned that I had gone for a walk around the lakes near my house the night before so he decided that we were going for a drive so he could show me one of his favourite spots on the Yarra river. He drove around some beautiful streets with absolutely gorgeous mansions on them, took me to a walking track/park that had one of the best views of the city which I seriously wish that I had taken a picture. I hope the mental picture I took stays put, it was stunning! Then down to the river we went. He brought his camera along, as well as a cigar and we parked out butts under some big trees, chatting, watching the river flow and some canoers gliding along it. He took some pictures, but gave up because the lighting was pretty dull where we were, he tried taking a couple pictures of me but I’m not fond of close up pictures of my face so he got the back of my head (you can keep those Sam) but the sneaky bastard got me calling him a dickhead in a couple of videos that he sprung on me. Then it was 20 minutes until my next share house viewing and I still hadn’t looked up how to get there so he offered to drive me which I said I’d feel bad but he said he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to, so off we went.

The second house was ok, the people were nice enough, the catch was that the block had been subdivided so there is construction work going on out the back. Sure I’d mostly be out during the day while building was happening and yeah I chatted and drank wine with them for a bit while Sam watched tv in his car, but I liked the first house better and I felt like I had more in common with the people in the first house too, plus there’s a boston terrier puppy there, so I’m going to message house 1 guy tomorrow to say I’m definitely keen to move in, he’s got another person checking out the house this weekend so we’ll see how that goes!

Back to Sams, I thanked him for taking me, he said he was glad, he wouldn’t have gotton out of the house that night if I didn’t come over, he reheated pasta that he had made the night before (which was pretty damn tasty) we ate it outside and I’m pretty sure my bowl was bigger. Which I pointed out to him, after I had finished it obviously, he said I could afford to put more weight on, I said he could shut up. I told him that I would do the dishes which seemed to surprise him a bit, but seriously he keeps feeding me and I do nothing so why not. He did the heimlich move again a couple of times while I washed and we teased eachother a bit, like I’ve said before; I’m very sarcastic, but he took it and gave it like a pro. Then he decided to load the washing mashine as I was finishing up, so I wiped down the bench, went and congratulated him on his laundry skills, then parked my butt on the couch and he started cleaning the bathroom too. Didn’t take him long, it was a man clean, but he did vacuum it. Apparently I got him in a cleaning mood whatever the hell that means. I called him a weirdo and then we went to bed. We chatted, he awkwardly massaged my neck (he is the only person that will give me a massage when I ask for one), I massaged his hands, because I have magic fingers remember. The funny thing is; Sam got a massage on Monday or Tuesday and asked the lady to massage his hands but she didn’t do it nearly as good. So I’ll definitely take that compliment from Sam, not from Bob “the massuese” haha. Anyway even though I didn’t think I was up for anything, I ended up being up for it! So as I was dozing off afterwards while spooning, we mumbled goodnight to eachother and I decided to turn around and give him a goodnight kiss. He deserved it, and usually I’m either just falling asleep straight away or I do something fucked up like wrestle him, so my kiss was to make up for any “back off” vibes I’ve given.

He woke up late again, I seriously hope he’s regularly late and it’s not just me that makes him late. He came back in the bedroom to say goodbye and was almost going to be even later for work but “smart” me told him to go. He told me to go back to sleep and he left, so naturally I was wide awake because “smart” me is an idiot. I showered, made a coffee and sat outside for a while reading the paper, then I locked up and drove home, to the lovely, noisy house that I might not be in for much longer.

I’ve decided I’m giving myself another month before I decide what I want out of this thing with Sam, because I know it’s not just the sex that makes me want to see him, so I’m going to enjoy it in the meantime, then I’ll talk to him after Easter. And I’m glad I’ve made plans with Kate and Ellie because I just want girl time right now, I want to go out and be an idiot again like I was at the start of the year and I’d love to see if I’m attracted to any other guys because that is a massive tip-off in my head about my feelings, I’m generally not interested in more than one person at a time, so tomorrow night should be interesting to say the least!

I’m only human

411a6fa1e6cc2458e1f82f4f0f275228I’m thinking of texting Sam tomorrow to see how his day’s going, if it’s going well and he’s not tired I think it might be a good idea to ask if he wants to catch up. It’s Thursday tomorrow though so fair enough if he doesn’t want to, but on the weekend I actually had tonsillitis so even though we got physical, we didn’t kiss. At all. I definitely wanted to. He wanted to as well! But I really didn’t want to make him sick. So, right now I feel 100% better, I feel like I missed out on the weekend and he’s one of the best kissers that I’ve met in my life. So come on Sam let’s have a good old make out session at yours! Plus more.. I’m up for it if you are!

The share houses that I’m looking at tomorrow afternoon at 6pm and 8pm are in suburbs near him so I may as well make the most of it don’t you think? Obviously I would prefer if he called or texted me tomorrow asking what I’m up to, but because I know that I’ve been giving little “back off” vibes unintentionally, I’m fine with asking him first. I’ve got to make more of an effort to show him that I’m interested because I keep doing stupid shit that he might take the wrong way. I know I do it because I would not like to be hurt again and because I absolutely hate saying goodbye to anyone. I hate even leaving a friends house, when they try to walk me out I’m already running to the car waving goodbye. I sort of feel like I owe Sam an explanation for my quick exits, but I probably won’t say anything unless it somehow comes up in conversation. Which is very unlikely!

So I want to see Sam, I hope he wants to see me too. I mean more than see me if you get my drift. I don’t even want to go on a date! I just want to bloody see you. Fucking hell Sam let’s just do it!

EDIT!: I just read my last two posts and I’ve realised that the last two times I’ve seen Sam was because I asked him if he wanted to catch up. Is it wrong to ask a third time!? Is that a thing? New to dating remember, help a girl out and let me know if I’m being too needy or something ugh!


Hagwalah-585x400Call me MIA! I’ve been soo busy lately that I haven’t had a chance to sit down, gather my thoughts and write a slightly maniacal post in a very long time. So buckle up guys, get ready for a thunderstorm of crazy emotions!

I can’t even remember what my last post was about, but I’m employed at a different cafe now. The other cafe paid cash in hand, which they could’ve told me at the interview so I could have declined the position because I need income on the books to rent, cheers guys. I also had an unfortunate Massage traineeship trial.. Yes that sounds dodgy. Yes it was dodgy. No I did not give anyone a happy ending! It was just implied because I have magic hands ugh. Even after I politely declined that position by lying and telling them I was offered a full time job elsewhere, they still offered me weekend work, tried calling me a few times, even got a message off the guy I massaged;

Hi Lucy its “Bob” the massage therapist. Was wondering if you had time to give me a massage today? well paid for of course. I was looking at getting a massage today and remembered how good you are.

Fucking hell Bob! I probably could have asked for shit loads of money but I just couldn’t! Not a chance! Sorry Bob! Funny thing is; I’m actually back to thinking that I might do a massage course still. A legit one obviously. But we’ll see, I’ve given myself until the end of the year to decide on a course so no worries there.

My sister Anna is still crazy, lovely, unsure, second guessing everything, not moving her ass like I keep telling her to, etc, etc. But hopefully soon I’ll be out, I’m checking out a sweet share house Thursday night, fingers crossed!

My Sam situation is just ridiculous. I find myself over-analysing, over-thinking a lot more than I’d like to admit as soon as I’m home! I don’t over-think anything when I’m with him, but last night Anna listened to me crap on for an hour about how dating is pretty shitty because how the fuck do you really know how the other person feels? Basically, you don’t! Suck it up princess! This is what I told her; I like Sam, I’m definitely not in love with him don’t be ridiculous. But I do really like him, he’s smart, funny, says some stupid shit sometimes, gets really passionate when he’s talking about something he loves, very caring when it counts, more than easy on the eyes and absolutely amazing in bed! That’s not in any particular order. Now here’s the catch.. His texting and calling skills are low. Sure he may be busy, I get it, I am too a lot of the time and yeah I’m sure I’ve had texts that I haven’t replied to in a few hours, but nobody is busy all of the time. And if you’re interested in someone, don’t you make the effort to send a quick text? It only takes a minute honestly. I know, here I go bitching about stupid shit again. Alright I’ll cut Sam some slack and tell you the things that make me think he’s interested;

So he invited me out for drinks a couple Sunday’s ago where I met 7 friends of his that he’s known for 15 years. I have actually spent two seperate nights at his so far where we’ve just cuddled and gone to sleep, although we had sex the next day. Pretty sure I’ve seen him more than every weekend for the last month. He texted me today asking how my new job’s going. We went out for dinner last Saturday, then the next day I said I’d leave so he could get shit done, he told me not to, so we ended up going to lunch, Ikea, bunnings, Masters and Officeworks because he wanted a cabinet. For the record he gets really distracted and looks at everything! We had a lot of fun talking shit and being idiots at the shops. He holds my hand quite a lot, and even though I like it I eventually let my hand go slack and let go. When I leave his place I leave quick. I feel like I’m giving him “back off” vibes, but I can’t help it. And even now I want to see him again but I’m going to leave it up to him. He tells me anything, so I’m trying to open up a bit more, I have told him some personal stuff, I’m proud of myself for that. But why do I find myself wondering if he likes me? Is it because I’m a girl? Is this how every girl thinks when it comes to a boy they like? My sister thinks I should leave it for a couple of weeks but why should I when I actually want to see him. But then I start thinking what if he doesn’t ask if I want to catch up this weekend too, it’s not like it’s the end of the world, but I’m really hoping he does. Why the fuck did I get feelings for this guy! This is stupid. I’m stupid. Get a grip Lucy.

Chocolate salty balls

53654214I had a little word with my family tonight, about boundaries, about not blowing up my phone with calls and messages just because I ran off to a guys house to get away from all of the drama that I seem to keep getting sucked into the middle of. Because I’m almost 30 years old! And just because I’m living with my parents again doesn’t mean that I’m 16 years old all over again! Sure, they’re just being protective, a little over protective. And now I’m slightly embarrassed because my dad is asking when they get to meet Sam. No! No-one is meeting him! At least definitely not ANY time soon! I’ve told them to stop, I’ve told my sister that she needs to stop asking me to call her husband to tell him that she loves him and would do anything to stay married to him, she said she would cut her hand off for him. She is ridiculous. So I’ve at least pre-warned them that I’m going on a date Saturday, don’t be scared, I’m a fucking grown woman.

I had a really good time last night at least. Sam took me to see the share house which was great because the guy was a bit creepy. Went in for a hug when I first met him, told me he’s not into men (good for you) and at one point proceeded to tell me about possums mating. Very peculiar person! Then Sam drove me around the neighbourhood that he grew up in, and took me to a restaurant that he always used to go to. We stopped at a bottle shop on the way home so I could get some wine, then we sat outside under the stars that were hidden behind big black clouds, listening to an old South Park album (don’t ask, don’t judge) I mean, chocolate salty balls can be kind of romantic haha! Oh and Chefs voice is the epitome of sex! Anyway it was freezing so Sam said he’d go get a blanket, I said I bet it’s leopard print, yep it was leopard print! I knew it, trust him to have a leopard print blankie! It was just so relaxing snuggled under that blanket together. Until things heated up and we went to bed “wink wink”. Then, the asshole that I am, I made him late for work today, woops! Also I literally wrestled him last night, I have no idea why! I think I was over tired, I go a bit weird when I need sleep lol but no harm done, he can’t think I’m that crazy since we’ve talked on the phone a couple of times today and he asked me if I wanted to do anything Saturday. Yep I sure do Sam!