Wow, I haven’t been on my WordPress for quite some time.. I’m going to try and give you/myself an update on what life is like as Lucy Jane, almost exactly 2 years since my last post. And may I just say it’s been a crazy walkabout dreamtime 2 year space expedition to Mars and back with some bloody gruesome alien battles and some Romeo & Juliet scenes of love and death.. right.
So I’m lying in bed with stomach cramps, I had gastro yesterday, ugh I can’t even explain, it’s much better today, but my stomach feels like it is slowly eating itself. Eww tmi. On a (positive?) note, I’m lying in Sams bed.. Let me explain:
Since my last post I got another job in admin/reception, discovered by a mate I worked with at the cafe who knew a guy who’s company was looking. It’s always about connections. The jobs ok, mostly boring, the majority of the people are nice (not everyone, like I thought when I first started) and I’ve been there just over a year, so far so good.
Sam.. I want to say soo much to Sam.. I still struggle with expressing feelings and emotions. That’s why I’ve decided to write another post, maybe my last one, maybe not, we’ll never know, seriously.. never. Because I can’t ever make up my mind! Fuck you Lucy, you’re soo annoying, just like Sam always says. Annoying or grumpy (I’m rolling my eyes) Fuck you Sam. Let’s get to it, the nitty gritty insight into my relationship in my head, scary I know.
I love Sam. I am completely in love with him. Even when he annoys the crap out of me. I love him. Problem is, I haven’t and can’t bring myself to say it to him. I say it in my head, never out loud. I said it in my head last night while he was watching a science/universe doco and I was watching him while running my fingers through his hair with his head on my lap. I love you.
I can’t just randomly blurt it out. I want to. But there’s more I want to say. My rent is ending in a month for one, all of my friends keep pushing me to talk to Sam about living together but they don’t understand why I haven’t because I don’t say the stuff that’s in my head that I want to say to Sam. Make sense? Of course it does. Of course I want to live with him. Stop pushing. There’s just too much in my head to choose one thing, albeit a big thing, to say to Sam. I can’t tell him that I love him without saying the rest.. so in the end.. I say nothing. Smart girl. You can all clap me on the back for that thanks.
We’re not having nearly as much sex as we used to. I think about sex daily, constantly daydreaming about it, whether rough or romantic depends on my mood. But it’s daily, and I’m frustrated! And helping myself just isn’t the same! Give. Me. The. D! Now I wish I was that straight forward that I could blurt it out like that but I’m shy and extremely self conscious and was rejected by the ex a big number of times while we were together that I’m permanently damaged from the constant rejection and now when I haven’t had sex in so long I just can’t bring myself to initiate. Not to mention our “talk” last October (I think) where we were going to break up but decided to give it a proper shot, Sam said that we just feel like mates and he feels weird sleeping with me. That fucked me up. And honestly he treats me like a mate soo much that I end up wondering if he even likes me. Here I am in love with someone who maybe likes me as a mate.
I’m staying at his house every night. Nothing was ever said, I’ve stayed since the Christmas holidays. Been home a couple times. Met a lot of his family, started making an effort and feeling like we were in a proper relationship. Had plenty of sex in January, I’m still thinking about it now it was that good. Now I don’t know what’s going on. When my ex stopped fucking me he was addicted to porn, it’s easier, and they liked being hog tied with ball gags and anal plugs. Maybe Sam doesn’t find me attractive. Maybe I feel more like a mate to him. Maybe he’s too nice to say it’s not working. Maybe Sam doesn’t love me. I don’t know because he doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t know how I’m supposed to open up to someone just as closed. I keep coming to his house and staying because I’m convinced I’ll speak my mind one of these days, that I need to man up so we can both open up more or neither of us ever will and then it definitely won’t work.. That or he’ll kick me out and end my suffering.
I want to say point blank;
Look, I love you, I’m awkward and have a hard time opening up, it’s even harder to open up to someone who is just as closed off as me. Like the blind leading the blind. I want to kiss you all the time, why don’t we kiss more, I love kissing you, you are the best kisser. And hugs! All I want to do is hug you all the time, if I do it a little you say I’m being annoying, as soon as I’m close to you to try and kiss or hug you I’m annoying. Fuck me. Literally fuck me. I want to have sex soo bad but I’ve tried a couple times and it’s still not as much as before. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I can’t now, I’m actually too embarrassed to try. I love you, I am extremely attracted to you! Even though you complain that you’ve put on weight I am still very much sexually attracted to you! To me you are the sexiest man I know, just not the smartest. Just grab me, kiss me for a long time, grab my ass, my boobs, run your fingers all over my body, touch me everwhere, let me feel you, I want you to have your way with me because I love you, I want you and I want to be with you. For as long as I can.