Eye of the tiger

 

 

 

kjhfgfI made a mean meatloaf for dinner tonight and ate half of it! I swear I’m in a meat coma no joke! I don’t even know why, I wasn’t even that hungry I just kept eating it. It was soo good though! Yeah that was completely irrelevant to this post, get over it.

So today I played “mediator” between my sister and her husband. Turns out she wants him back now that he finally wants a divorce. I don’t understand relationships like theirs. As soon as one of them back’s off, the other one wants them more. This is how they’ve been since they met. It’s frustrating. I’ve told them they need to see phycologists separately, they need to work on themselves first and foremost. No relationship can survive if you have your own personal issues that you aren’t dealing with. Relationships take a fair bit of work and if you both have your own problems within yourself, how can you focus on the relationship? You can’t expect a relationship to work without some effort. So work on your own mind, your own soul, and see where you’re both at in 6 months, even a year’s time.

I know I didn’t realise how much you need to be completely 100% happy within yourself before you start a relationship. I didn’t realise any of the stuff I know now until I had a relationship end. To be fair I did start dating my ex just before I was 19 years old so we grew up together. We had 10 years of growing up, of growing into ourselves and the people that we are today. And honestly, we grew apart. I grew slightly more mature than he did. Sure I’m still an idiot a lot of the time, and a bit crazy and immature, but I’m mature where it counts, when it comes to family and loved ones. He grew up wanting more, feeling like he didn’t have as many party days as he wanted, feeling like he had only slept with 2 girls his whole life when all of his work mates or even guys he met on work sites were still out there “getting some”. And he always tried to get out of any family gatherings or if anyone needed a helping hand. He really only did anything for anyone if it benefited him. I actually understand him, it’s strange. Sure he didn’t break up with me in a great way, but there’s no good way to do something like that anyway. We had some good times as well as bad, I feel like I can finally look at our holiday pictures and not be bothered by it at all. It’s my past, we grew up together, of course he’s going to be in photos and I’m finally fine with that. I almost forgot about all of the usb’s of photographs I have stored in a draw until my nephew told me he missed my ex today and do I remember when we went to the farm for his birthday and saw all of those massive pigs and little ponies. Yes I remember, yes I will show you the photos. It was actually lovely looking through all of the photos, all of the captured moments of fun times, happy times. I can’t wait to go through all of my Thailand pictures and see me hugging a tiger again!

On a side note, I’m seeing Sam tomorrow. I don’t really know why I asked him if he was free, but he said yes, and I want to see him so why not. I feel like the last few days and my last few posts on here have been all over the place, I kind of went off the rails a bit. I’m going to go back to being me, to no expectations, just being carefree and doing things because I want to. Staying on track with my goals, but no pressure, things will happen in good time. I mean come on, I hugged a tiger when I was 21, I can do anything I want!

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Shine on you crazy diamond

UntitledLast night before I went to bed, I said to myself “tomorrow has to be a better day”. Well, it was slightly better, but that depends on how you look at it.

I woke up to the front door slamming shut, a 3 year old crying and my mum yelling to come and help her. So I jump out of bed wearing a massive t-shirt and bright orange beach bum undies, run to the front door where my mum (who was in hospital a week ago) was trying to calm my 3 year old niece “Mary” down who was crying and thrashing around on the floor, screaming for mummy, so I pick her up and cuddle her, rub her back, tell her I love her, I need a coffee, would you like some milk beautiful girl, look how silly we look walking around in our knickers, my 6 year old nephew “Jimmy” comes over and wraps himself around my waist, so I cuddle him too, get him some milk, I tell him we’re all a part of the knicker club, they start giggling, my mum looked like she was going to cry, I tell her to go out the back and calm down, I get the kids to eat their brekkie, talking about who knows what while I wake up with my coffee, I walk out the back, shut the glass door keeping an eye on the kids and hug my mum, what happened? My sister decided she needed to get out for a little bit, my mum can’t deal with her anymore. It’s all going to be ok. A bit more talking and mum calms down. Kids are happy playing with lego.

Get a call, my sister thinks she’s having a heart attack, she’s pulled over to the side of the road. The kids are manageable now so mum starts getting them dressed for school and kinder, I throw on a flanny, shorts and thongs, jump in my car, pick up my sister and take her to the hospital. After 2-3 hours we find out she was just having an anxiety attack. On the drive home I tell her she needs to get professional help, her head isn’t right, it never is, she knows, she hates herself all the time, she’s a mess.

Today got me thinking about my past and how I struggle to open up to anyone, including my family, so I think I will. Just a little bit. Small steps. Deep breath. Here we go..

My sisters; My twin sister “Kate” and I grew up very shy. We’re quite similar in looks (identical to everyone else but us) very different in personalities, she’s my “go-to” person, I’ve always got her back and she’s always got mine. I used to cry if I was told off by anyone, parents, teachers, you name it. I don’t remember much about my life before I was 10 years old, but from then on I didn’t get a lot of attention from my mum and dad, in saying that they were the best parents though, not too strict, not too lenient either, they just worked a lot and didn’t have a lot of time for anything besides that, because they had to deal with “Anna” my older sister. Drug addict since she was 13 years old. Brought home in cop cars numerous times. Disappeared a lot. Been in quite a few car accidents. Got into the raving scene. Heroin. Died a couple of times. Broke my parents hearts over and over.

She is technically off drugs now, went on a methadone program a while ago before she had kids thank god, wants to go back on it though, she still has dependency issues; alcohol, pain killers. This is why she hates herself, she wants to give her kids better but she doesn’t think she can. I love those kids. I will do anything I can to help her and them.

Me; I moved out at 16, started dating a guy who was nice, I’m ashamed to say I didn’t even love him, or even at least think that I loved him. Smoked weed every day. Drank alcohol every day. Became anorexic from an eating paranoia, where I seriously thought everyone was looking at me. Was I eating too loud, am I chewing weird. Don’t ask, it was strange I know. One day before my 18th birthday I decided not to smoke or drink. I just didn’t feel like it that one day. I put on a clean light pink top, size 6 (Aus) jeans, which were (horribly) still slightly baggy, I cleaned the disgusting house, I did the washing and I ate toast and actually enjoyed it. Then while my arms were elbow deep in soap suds at the sink and I was staring out the window at the beautiful sun shining in and the birds chirping away, I see my mum. She’s come to visit, she’s never come to see me. We walk to the park up the road. She tells me she loves me and misses me. I tell her I love her and miss her too. She tells me to come home when I’m ready. I hugged her for an hour on that park bench. I’ll never forget the way the sun shined through those gloriously big, beautiful, bushy trees as my mum held me. I’ll never forget that hug, like she was giving me all of the love that she hadn’t shown me, that she wanted me to know, silently, that I’m always in her heart and her mind. That life can be great, life can be beautiful. I can be beautiful. I’m starting to cry even just thinking about this day, apparently I can’t detach from this story, it was the best day of my life and I will never forget it. I left the next day. My boyfriend at the time cried, I didn’t realise how much he loved me, I hated doing that, I talked to him for a long time after, I wanted him to be ok, I just wanted a better life.

That’s about all I can write for now. I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable. I’m glad I’ve written this though, it’s not full of details but it’s what I know I need to do. The past is the past yes, there’s no need to dwell on it, but I can’t just lock it up and throw away the key, in the end it’s all a part of how I became the person that I am now. I reached right back to the deepest parts of my memories and remembered one of the happiest days of my life that I have never even thought about since that day, and for that, I am grateful for where I am and who I am today.

Variety day

mare_variety-bucket-1383642924Valentines day is today and It’s been quite a while since I’ve written down my thoughts, so here we go. Warning: this might be a long one, so I’ll try to keep the details brief.

Even when I was in a relationship I never did much for Vday, watching a movie at night was the highlight of the day. Today I’m surprisingly doing fine considering it’s the day of love. I honestly thought that I would be lying on the couch watching romantic comedies, eating tub after tub of chocolate ice-cream. But even though I’m not laying down comatose in front of the TV, depressed about being single on such a romantic day, today has not been an average day at all! Let me start with 2 days ago..

Friday; I had a date with “Sam” and it was spectacular! I loved the look on his face when I showed up at his house in my tightest, sexiest, red maxi dress. He wasn’t dressed for the night (or he was, but decided to change when he saw me) so he poured me a wine, I shit-stirred him as he was failing to iron his shirt properly and then somehow I ended up doing it. He had just picked up his new Range Rover that morning so we went for a cruise, talked shit, picked up some ciders and sang along to some ridiculous songs. We went to a Japanese restaurant later near the beach as the sun was setting, I had some wine, ate too much amazingly delicious food, chatted some more where he started talking a bit more personally than I’m used to, then we went back to his house for some “alone time”. The next day after some more extra curricular activities and a shower, I borrowed a T-shirt and we went out for brunch and coffee, then back to his where he played stairway to heaven on his guitar among other songs, at some point he got me in his arms while he played, which would be difficult to say the least, then to the bedroom for some more privacy for fear that his roommate would walk in on us getting cosy on the couch. After a light-hearted conversation getting to know each other a bit more than just bedroom activities, I started to freak myself out thinking that I was getting too comfortable so I decided it was time to leave, I had a Valentines date with “Anna” my older sister that night anyway. So I waved goodbye, thought about punching him on the arm or something equally stupid to make it more “matey” and less “I want to stay”. I got in my car, put on some happy music, was about to text my sister that I was on my way, but then there’s Sam, standing at my window, leaning in to kiss me, saying goodbye, starting to walk away, then coming back for another kiss. Fuck. Ok see ya Sam! Zoom zoom!

Saturday night; I arrived home to a mess. Anna laying on the couch watching episode after episode of Breaking Bad, the kids were at their dads for the weekend, the house was messy, dark and just depressing, so I peeled Anna off the couch, went and bought vanilla vodka, made a weirdly delicious espresso/vodka/ice-cream concoction, put on some uplifting dance music, sweated my ass off cleaning like a crazy OCD person, practically shoved Anna in the shower, had a sandwich and got dressed for a night out on the town! Bring on Heartbreaker! Dingiest, coolest looking little jukebox pub, tequila shots (always a good idea), random strange men with long hair, Kiwi bartender, free shots, telling guys we’re not interested, free Jack Daniels and cokes, Anna having the hots for the bartender (most of the freebies were from him), me drunk texting Sam (good one Lucy), Anna telling me the bartender wants me not her (not the case, she just gets weirdly jealous), told Anna I texted Sam, Anna storming out of Heartbreaker, I’m left sitting there thinking what the fuck just happened. Walk outside, can’t see Anna, can’t see much at all to be honest (fucking free shots dammit!), drunk calling Sam, buying cigarettes, Sam picking me up, cranked some music, get to Sam’s, get ON Sam, started talking shit, shit talk turned serious, too personal, I’m ashamed to say I cried, I apologised for crying, Sam held me, started being really sweet, calmed me down, fell asleep in his arms.

Sunday morning; Woke up feeling like an idiot, cuddled Sam, he asked me why I hate crying, it makes me feel weak, I told him a bit of my personal life, he told me some of his, I told him how hard it is for me to open up to anyone, how I detach from anything serious, I’m actually quite a quiet person, I’m always the reliable one in my family & the one that helps everyone. I was worried about my sister Anna, tried calling, tried texting, Sam driving me home, stop for coffee on the way, texted Anna’s husband, husband calls me crying saying Anna went home with the bartender and she’s fucked him and broken his heart even more, calmed him down, told him I’d pick the kids up when I’m home, more personal talk with Sam, Anna calls finally, husband’s going crazy calling her, telling her she’s a c*** and a whore (he’s lovely), calmed her down, I’ll be home in 10 minutes, Sam probably thinks I’m absolutely crazy at this point, talked a bit more, Sam said my life sounds like a crazy movie, it’s mostly just my sister’s drama, but yeah it really does feel like that sometimes. Get to mine, I give him a quick goodbye kiss, he says happy Valentines day, I say I hope he enjoys it, bye Sam.

Sunday Arvo; Coffee with a shot of vodka, I feel like shit, Anna’s drunk and still drinking, texted Annas husband to tell him to stop thinking the worst, Anna didn’t sleep with anyone just relax (she did but they’re separated so it’s best if he doesn’t know), Anna’s friends drop off the kids, they tell me the husbands having valium and going to sleep it off, I tell Anna, she runs off to her car and speeds away, I call the friends from her phone she left behind, what to do, ok kids lets go for a drive, put booster seat in car, play happy music and sing along with the kids, get to their house, tell Anna to go home now, she drinks the rest of the day, I babysit the kids and the drunk mess until she passes out. What. A. Day.

I was a mess in front of Sam and I got personal. It was very out of character, I’m always the stable one, I hate crying and now I feel like an idiot. Sam texted me to make sure it all went ok, sure I hope you had a good day, sorry for last night I’m not usually that stupid. Anna will be ok tomorrow, she usually wakes up feeling like an idiot, just like I feel now. I fucked up on so many levels this weekend. I’m not proud of myself. Everyone slips up once in a while. But on top of all of this, yep I’m getting feelings for Sam. Good one Lucy you absolute moron. Happy Valentines day dickhead.

Because I’m happy!

Pharrell_Williams_-_HappyI am dying! Ok, that’s a bit over the top, I’m just drained. Happy drained though, which is surprising since I had less than 5 hours sleep last night and I didn’t sit down until 30 mins ago. That’s hospitality for you! But it was a great day! I love my new job, my co-workers are lovely, I didn’t fuck up and I get lunch for free which is a bonus!

Apart from that, “Sam” texted me yesterday, I’m so tired right now that I can’t even explain it, so you guys can just read it;

 

Sam: What are you buying me for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Something you’ll love of course! What are you buying me?

Sam: The best present money can buy. It’s very expensive

Me: You bought that car for me, I knew it!

Sam: Divorce

Me: Well since there isn’t a prenup, technically I’m right about the car 😉

Sam: Yeah you’re right, I got us matching cars

Me: Sweet I’ll pick it up tomorrow then

Sam: Only if you bring my present

Me: I will! Not sure if you could handle it though

Sam: Just make sure it’s wrapped in a bow

Me: It will be

I love our texts! Haha! It’s great that I can be as smart-arsey and cutesy as I like and he gives it right back. He also just texted me asking what I am doing Friday, something about extra curricular activities after work, and he suggested a restaurant, bring it on Sam! That just topped my day off perfectly! I’m going to pour myself a wine and pass out in complete bliss!

Exes & Ohs

freedomLast night after a nice, relaxing, toe burning, hot shower, thinking about how it would be a lot nicer if I was in “Sam’s” shower with him under that massive rain shower head he has, I was getting my interview/trial clothes ready for today. Which is definitely important in making a great first impression, kind of like dating. Seems like everything in life can be compared with dating! Anyway back on track; as I was organising myself, my phone chirped at me. I’ve got that annoying little chirpy bird message tone that’s starting to grate on my nerves, I’m going to change it right now actually. Ok done, standard message tone.

So I find myself doing a little skip over to my bed thinking it will be Sam, but unfortunately it wasn’t, damn. It was a number I don’t have saved, and it read; “hope your doing okay”. My first thought was that I am doing ok, it’s “you’re” and who the fuck is this? I recognised the number, could be one of the other guys I was originally texting, could be my sisters husband, I have his phone number though, and “Anna’s” staying there the night, not the smartest idea, but this text just doesn’t make any sense. Then it starts dawning on me, it’s my ex. Well he has impeccable timing! Seems to text me when I’m doing great! The last time he texted, I threw my phone across the room, I was blind with rage and yes I started to cry. If I get extremely angry, I’m one of those people that can’t get the anger out and I end up balling my eyes out instead. My mum heard me, came to the rescue, got me a glass of straight whisky and I calmed down. Then I wrote him the meanest text I have ever written anyone. Which probably wasn’t even that mean, I actually find it hard to be mean to anyone. I’m a big softy. This time I have to say, I laughed! How’s that for doing “ok” little exy! I didn’t reply because I just can’t be bothered. I’m proud and astonished at myself because the peace and happiness that I feel right now knowing that I am 100% over him is amazing! I feel so elated, so free, like I am the happiest girl in the world!

So today has been splendid! Not only did I wake up happy, I also got the job!! Woo hoo! Now I am ecstatic! I just bought myself some beautifully, sexy underwear as a present for being amazing and moving forward in life like my arrow tattoo’s meaning, I’m sitting out in the sun at the shops, sipping a gigantic latte, scrolling through share houses, truly revelling in my happiness and feeling completely and utterly on top of the world!

Another one bites the dust

game_over_sad_groom_funny_key_chain_basic_round_button_key_ring-r3ec18b4cd8974c1fab38971948580223_x7s50_1024I got “ghosted”.. But not the way you’re thinking. Get ready for it; I was ghosted by the fucking manager of the restaurant I had a trial at. What. A. Dick. No reply call, not even a text! Lucky I’m not an idiot and I’ve still been applying for jobs and have another couple of interviews this week, but I seriously think it’s ridiculous to not even call someone back who left a message asking for feedback, just tell me what I did wrong so I can at least work on it for my next trial dammit! Job searching sucks. So much for my buddha quote. Don’t worry, I’m weirdly optimistic about finding something else, I’m thinking it just wasn’t meant to be, the right position for me is out there somewhere! Or if there’s anyone out there in Melb VIC looking for a slightly sarcastic chick, who says stupid things, can’t carry three plates, is super dooper friendly and will work her little butt of for you? Give me a call!

On another note, I’ll be extremely pissed if “Sam” ghosts me! Just kidding, we texted each other a few times yesterday. I wrote cheesy, cute shit because I have this tendency to try turn guys off for some reason, no idea why! But I find it quite funny, and if they don’t, then too bad. Do I want to see him again? Yes I sure do! Am I going to? No idea! I guess I’ll just leave it up to him now because I still don’t really know how to go about this. Here, have a little read and see if you think I’m a complete dick or I’ve gotten myself into some cute, disturbing, slightly vomit inducing relationship;

Me: (His nickname!) I had a fun time, let me know if you want to do it again -tequila

Sam: Sure wifey. Maybe less tequila for you next time!

Me: Less!? I think none! http://youtu.be/rY0WxgSXdEE First dance song hubby?

Sam: So romantic baby, I knew we’d be great together

Me: You know it babe!

Sam: How was your day honey? I ended up buying the car.

Me: It was splendid! Haha of course you did! Happy with it? Stupid question?

Sam: Ask me in a week when it blows up!

Me: Haha I’ll come pick you up don’t worry sweetie pie

Sam: You’re the best pumpkin

Me: Only for you buttercup

Before you think I got too cutesy with all of the sickly sweet pet names in that conversation; the first dance song link I sent was actually for “Another one bites the dust” by Queen! I crack myself up sometimes!

Umm what?

653edc7d27d4201d657f37617a6842d2Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I have to say, I love it when you all comment on my posts, it put’s me into “thought mode” where I try to decipher my feelings and my crazy runaway brain. Here’s where I’m at; I had a thought that maybe I’m kidding myself, I can’t really say that all I want is sex. I’ve already written posts before about wanting sex, but also wanting companionship. I want a “friend” with “benefits”. Now this is my dilemma, this is why I think I’m kidding myself; what is a relationship? To me it’s having a “friend” with “benefits” and comes with the titles “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”, to put it simply anyway. What I want sounds like a relationship without the titles. Realistically, that’s what it is. No wonder people gain feelings in a FWB situation. You wouldn’t put yourself in that situation if you didn’t already like them as a person, if you didn’t have some kind of connection and if you weren’t sexually attracted to them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gaining feelings of love for “Sam”, but is it inevitable? If I keep going with my “no expectations” way of thinking lately, this may just end up a massive disaster. I already know that I am emotionally unavailable, I definitely don’t want to bring any baggage from my last relationship into a new one, hence the FWB idea, I also have to consider this great guy may get more feelings, he may not too but I have to consider it because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings in the end and I know for fear of being hurt again, I will run away from any situation that I start feeling like I want more. To be completely open and honest, I texted Sam an hour before I started writing this. I said; (insert nickname) I had a fun time, let me know if you want to do it again -tequila. I was just about to start a discussion about whether or not I’m sitting here waiting for him to respond and how it’s making me feel, which at the time I was basically thinking that Sam must of just wanted one night of sex, great sex, at least I got that, as well as bacon and eggs, and that maybe this whole post is me reaffirming that I should say NO to men right from the start! But, he just texted me back; “Sure wifey. Maybe less tequila for you next time!” What a dick. Lol just kidding! So now I’ve got to work out what’s best for me in regards to this whole post! But then again, I am meant to be doing whatever I want, it hasn’t failed me yet, so go for it? Fuck, I just don’t know.